Why is Malaysia trying to spot gay schoolchildren?

So the Malaysian government has finally enlightened us all as to how to identify the gay child in your classroom. In an effort to "curb the problem of homosexuality", the Teacher's Foundation of Malaysia is holding seminars where parents are instructed on how to identify gay kids. Homosexual boys "may wear tight, light clothes and carry large handbags". Lesbians are apparently easy to spot, as they like to "hang out and sleep in the company of other girls". So, um, all girls then.

How can the Malaysian authorities be so stupid? All young gays know that large handbags are completely over. At International HQ, new recruits are instructed to be fashion forward. We had the baby Karl Lagerfeld look in the 80s, tiny combats and DM boots in the 90s, and the same decade's indie moment came when the Marilyn Manson look become popular (instead of just Marilyn). Now in 2012 we are going for the butch look. Clearly some baby gays are still into accessories but most gays will be wearing tracksuits and trying to look butch.

Of course, it is easy to scoff at Malaysia's frightening campaign (try looking for the gays like Gareth Thomas, you know, the ones who play rugby) but we in the UK are not in a position to take the moral high ground.

In the UK we seem unable to even countenance the idea that children may have some kind of burgeoning sexual orientation, and even worse, that a small number of them may be lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. Sssh, don't talk about it; you'll make them all start having sex!

I knew I was different from the other boys (yes, zzz) when I was four or five, and actually realised I was a bona fide homosexual at the age of 10. I wasn't worried about the size of my handbag or about having sex, I was too busy crying myself to sleep, trying to change, wondering if my parents would abandon me and whether I should get married to a woman or just kill myself.

I want to sneer at Malaysia for the mental torture they will be inflicting on kids (and their parents), but we all need to wake up to what therapist Dr Joe Kort calls the "covert cultural child abuse" that is being inflicted on all LGBT kids in every single classroom in every single school in the UK, the US and across the world.Read more.

British PM Cameron's Fiasco

• Allegra Stratton, political correspondent
• guardian.co.uk, Sunday 11 December 2011 20.05 GMT
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Nick Clegg promised to rebuild the government's shattered relationship with the rest of Europe and risked opening a coalition rift by going public with his "bitter disappointment" at David Cameron's decision to block a new EU agreement.

The deputy prime minister said Britain risked becoming "isolated and marginalised" from the European mainstream and, along with seniorLiberal Democrats, spent the weekend contacting European leaders in a "strategy for re-engagement to recover lost ground", according to a senior government source.

Several high-profile figures, including the former leader Paddy Ashdownand the party president, Tim Farron, joined Clegg in a wide-ranging attack on Cameron's resort to a British veto.

Clegg will hold a meeting with business leaders this week to convince them "they had not completely had the door shut", according to an aide. There is growing concern that the 26 EU countries who agreed on greater fiscal integration last week will now be able to strike deals affecting British banks and businesses.

The business secretary, Vince Cable, who warned the prime minister in Cabinet last Monday against the strategy he went on to follow in Brussels, is concerned that global companies including banks and pension funds will now shun investments in the UK, having previously favoured it as a "gateway" to the continent.

Clegg was biting in his critique of developments in Brussels but spoke of correcting the path chosen by Cameron by getting "back into the saddle". "I'm bitterly disappointed by the outcome of last week's summit, precisely because I think now there is a danger that the UK will be isolated and marginalised within the European Union," he told the BBC's Andrew Marr Show.Read more.